


Going Under

by Bellkat



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, One Shot, Post Civil War, Stucky - Freeform, i've got a thing for angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-18
Updated: 2016-07-18
Packaged: 2018-07-24 19:01:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7519624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bellkat/pseuds/Bellkat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve just got Bucky back, and now he wants to leave?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Going Under

**Author's Note:**

> So I'm trash. Here's something I wrote the other day because of a message my friend sent me. It was supposed to be a drabble but I kinda got carried away haha enjoy the dumb feels

“You know, Buck, you don’t have to do this,” said Steve.

The two men stood in Steve’s apartment. It was late afternoon and the sun was filtering through the windows. The light stretched across the carpeted floor, bathing Steve in its golden glow. Inching its way to Bucky, who leaned against the far wall, it stopped just short of his boots.  

“I don’t HAVE to do anything,” Bucky replied with folded arms.  

“So then why are you?” Steve asked. He looked up from where he sat, at his best friend. A man he’d known since childhood. A man he’d grown up with. A man whom he’d thought was dead. But he wasn’t, he was alive and well and standing right in front of Steve; no longer just a memory. He was real, the five o’clock shadow on his chin, the bags under his stormy blue eyes, the way his jaw clenched; it was real. Bucky was real. “Please, I’m trying to understand.”

Bucky took a deep breath as he tried to figure out what to say. Then, picking his words slowly, he spoke. “Steve, I... Do you know what it’s been like for me, my life since Hydra got me?”

There was silence.

“I’ve been broken down and built back up so many times. My brain, it feels like some collage that’s falling apart. My minds been used as a dry erase board for decades,” Bucky ran his metallic hand through his hair. “Hell, sometimes I don’t even know if this is some fresh hell that Hydra’s made for me. I couldn’t even remember your face when I saw you again, I almost killed you!”

“But you didn’t,” Steve interrupted. His eyes locked with Bucky’s, his gaze firm.

“I could’ve,” Bucky said, holding his ground against the piercing eyes.

“I know that it’s difficult, there are all these images and stories of you and what you did. But you need to remember, this isn’t your fault, it’s not on you. It’s on Hydra and the bastards that did this. It may have been your body, but it wasn’t your will, it wasn’t you.”

“It’s one thing to say that, it’s another to believe it. Especially when every time I close my eyes all I can see is what I did to those people,” Bucky looked away and hugged himself tightly, as if it could shield him from the memories. “What I did to you.”

“Buck.” Steve rose to his feet and took a tentative step.

“Steve, sometimes I’d wake up in the night and I wouldn’t even remember who I was.”

“You were alone then, you aren’t now. If you go under you’ll be alone again. There are no guarantees that this will do anything for you.”

“But at least this way I know I won’t hurt anyone.”

“I know that you won’t.” Steve took another step forwards.

“You say that, but do you? How can you be sure? What if the next time there’s a report about the winter soldier attacking someone it’s not a ruse? What if it’s really me?” Bucky asked. His voice rose with each question.

Their eyes locked once more.

“I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.” Bucky whispered.

“I’ll make sure it doesn’t.” Steve said. He reached out and placed a hand on Bucky’s shoulder and gave him a gentle squeeze.

“Steve.”

“I just got my best friend back, no way am I going to lose him again. I’m with you, to the end of the line.”

“Steve, I...”

“Shhh, it’s alright,” He began to rub Bucky’s arm.

“But it isn’t!” Bucky tore away from Steve. “It’s not alright! For Christ sake, I killed people! Tony’s parents! I KILLED them Steve! And I remember it clear as day!” His eyes began to water. “I can’t do this anymore; I can’t keep doubting myself like this, living every day in fear and self-loathing. It’s eating me up inside.” He took a deep breath. There was a steady stream of tears flowing down his face. “I just... I’m tired, Steve, I’m so tired. For months, I had no way out. And now, I do. Please, please...”

Steve looked at his best friend. A man he’d known since childhood. A man he’d grown up with. A man whom he’d thought was dead. But he wasn’t, he was alive and well and standing right in front of Steve; no longer just a memory. . He was real, the five o’clock shadow on his chin, the bags under his stormy blue eyes, the tears streaming down his face; it was real. Bucky was real. And he was asking Steve to let him do this, begging him.

Steve reached out and pulled Bucky forwards into a hug. At first he didn’t react, but then Bucky wrapped his arms around Steve, holding on for dear life, and buried his tears in Steve’s shirt.

The two men stood there is a silence cut only by Bucky’s sobs. The orange glow of the sunset filled the room, enveloping both of them in it’s warmth.

Steve spoke, “Okay.”

**Author's Note:**

> ohohoho symbolism. My English teacher would be proud. Hopefully as I continue to write the characterizations will get better...


End file.
